Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
