3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
