so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
