I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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