DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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