I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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