Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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