My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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