did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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