before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
These tits shall not be calmed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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