Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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