I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize