i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
