I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
