its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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