Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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