I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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