You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
