she woke up with a sticky ear
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
