He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
