They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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