Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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