I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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