The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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