There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
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