is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
