A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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