brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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