Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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