Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
