i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
