i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
