Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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