is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
