Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
