i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
