mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
