Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
