The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
