Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
