I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
