Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
