I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
