did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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