I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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