why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
