found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
