smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
