i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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