good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
