finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
