Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
