It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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