Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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