im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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