i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
