my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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