apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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