She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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