I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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