what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize