I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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