i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
